Bill O’Reilly, host of the appropriately named “O’Reilly Factor,” has decided to sign a four-year contract to stay on the Fox cable news channel, delivering his particular brand of nauseating partisan hackery that you can only find on Fox and MSNBC.

He’s going to be making between $10 and $12 million dollars a year, by which I mean he is a regular guy who perfectly understands your problems and should in no way be thought of as a big-city media elitist.

He mentioned, as a matter of explaining what the downside of accepting an exorbitant amount of money to do something that he’s been doing for ages and clearly loves, the “slings and arrows” of the job. While he was unspecific about what those trials and tribulations might be, I’m more than willing to put forth my list of five things he might have been talking about.

1. He was caught sexually harassing a subordinate.

While most people are familiar with the generalities of this story, I’d like to take a few moments of your time to remind you of some of the specifics. On October 13th, 2004, a woman named Andrea Mackris filed suit against Bill, and the Fox Network, claiming that Mr. O’Reilly had subjected her to quid pro quo sexual harassment. That’s Latin for “sleep with me or you’re fired/won’t ever get a promotion.”

Ms. Mackris alleged that the harassment took place over 2 years, starting in May of 2002, and that it created a hostile work environment. You know how much you hate your job? Okay, now imagine if Bill O’Reilly was humping your leg eight hours a day. For two years.

You can read the complaint for yourself, but the most damning evidence against Mr. O’Reilly was a recorded phone call in which he expressed a desire to take a shower with Ms. Mackris and clean her with a loofah. That particular phone call is transcribed on page 16. Enjoy.

2. An entire industry has arisen around the notion that Bill is a goddamn liar.

Media Matters for America, MSNBC’s Countdown with Keith Olberman and Fairness and Accuracy in Reporting pay their bills with help from Bill.

The only reason these places exist is to keep people like Bill O’Reilly honest. Granted, they’re obviously not very good at their jobs, because Bill continues to lie his ass off, but that’s okay. At least they’re employing people.

3. He is incapable of remembering things that he has said.

When Jamie Lynn Spears got pregnant, it’s because she was a “pinhead” and her parents were irresponsible. When those girls in Gloucester, MA, all made a “pregnancy pact” so that they could all have kids at the same time, he was relentless in calling them names which they only mostly deserved.

But, when it was discovered that seventeen-year-old Bristol Palin, daughter of someone whose name escapes me at the moment, was with child, then it was clearly a private matter and anyone who criticized the family was a First Class Media A-Hole.

He has also conveniently forgotten comments that he has made regarding:

• The battle of Malmedy and his disparagement of American troops.
• His own “combat experience.”
• The fact that it’s in poor taste to talk about family values when you sexually harass women on your staff.

4. He has the emotional maturity of a fourteen-year-old girl.

When confronted with information that is counter to his own beliefs, he throws an embarrassing temper tantrum. Once he is back in the safety of his studio, all alone, with no one to confront him, he misrepresents what happened and usually categorizes himself as a victim of a big meanie/media conspiracy.

And, of course, we all remember this little “episode.” By the way, you need to see the unearthed footage of the producer during that hissy fit.

By the way, this item is not meant to be disparaging toward women. It’s meant to be disparaging toward fourteen-year-old girls, who can be a bit unpredictable and whiney.

5. He is patently unpatriotic.

Perhaps the worst of his offenses is his complete lack of understanding of what it means to be an American.

On more than one occasion, Bill O’Reilly has demonstrated an objective misunderstanding of what the founding principles of America are, and he clearly wishes that he was a king who could order the beheading of all his enemies.

He is trying to replace patriotism (as well as intelligence, journalistic integrity, and I guess every other thing that smart people are interested in) with pure testosterone. He imagines that if you just shout loud enough for long enough, eventually everyone else will stop talking and you will be declared the “winner.”