Ah, Sonic, is there anything you won’t fuck?

The Sonic franchise has been stretched incredibly thin.  The originals (1-3) were fantastic.  Truly some of the best games on the Sega Genesis.  Since then, however, they’ve done things that just boggle the mind.

The good news is, Sonic’s newest release, Sonic Chronicles: The Dark Brotherhood for the DS, has a lot going for it.  First of all, it’s a Bioware RPG.  This becomes evident as soon as you enter a battle, the real meat of any turn-based RPG.

Bioware clearly knows what they are doing.  The battles break down sort of like the ones in Mario and Luigi: Superstar Saga.  There are time-sensitive inputs that, when completed properly, net you a successful strike and, sometimes, extra damage.  Where Superstar Saga would have you pressing buttons, The Dark Brotherhood uses the touchscreen for these inputs, which are very much like the ones found in Elite Beat Agents.

The bad news is, the music will make you want to pound a nail through your DS.  There is an area in the game that, I-swear-to-fucking-god, had to have been made by an autistic demon.  The rhythm is erratic, the tones are piercing, and the mix is atrocious.  I am positive that, should the government discover this noise, it will be played via loudspeaker across future battlefields.

Also, the game doesn’t feature any sort of mouth-fucking.